I got hacked.
You're going through life as a perfectly ordinary American until you wake up one day to a house infested with malware and the lingering scent of xanax and vodka and unfiltered cigarettes. So you do what any red-blooded American would do: shrug and say "what Russians?" Then call for two scoops and a slab of cake and settle in to watch your own life play out on Fox. That's about how close I am to fixing my website.